I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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