And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
