True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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