Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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