She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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