I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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