Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
