She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Randomize
