Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
