first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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