Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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