I'm pants shitting drunk right now
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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