I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
