i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
