I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
