she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
