Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
