i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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