Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
