my mouth tastes like poor choices
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
