Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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