Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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