the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
