i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
