Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
