If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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