I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
