I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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