So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
