I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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