i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We talked him into tasing himself.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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