There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
