Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
