the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i think my mom watched the whole time
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
