i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
