the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
