Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
