your thong is hanging out like whoa
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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