Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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