K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
