I hate your face
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
