What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
