Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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