so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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