just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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