it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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