we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
