Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
