saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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