So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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