i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
