i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
