When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
