too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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