i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
